I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
