i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
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