I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
drinking out of a sandbucket again
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
