as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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