Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
