dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
