he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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