shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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