Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
