My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
