Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
