We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
