She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
