I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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