I heard we made out
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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