I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
