did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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