i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
