this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Randomize
