I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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