the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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