Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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