nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
