ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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