i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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