u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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