I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Randomize
