did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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