yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
