i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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