there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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