He is such a slut. More and more my type.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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