He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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