the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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