im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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