so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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