he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
