So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
