I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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