You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
