i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
