I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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