Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
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I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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