so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
