Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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