I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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