and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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