Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
