oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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