I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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