I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I will be naked everywhere
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
