Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
