someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Randomize
