I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
